Embrace the chaos

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a really funny retelling of all the chaos that went on in my life while raising kids.  But I haven’t had time to blog.  I barely have time to shower.

When they announced fiveish weeks ago school would be out, I decided I was going to do ALL THE THINGS.  I finally would have time since I wasn’t psychically at school and running around like a crazy person trying to get from one place to another and BE ON TIME.  Actually, my favorite phrase went from “WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE” (before this pandemic) to “Please don’t make a mess… I JUST CLEANED THE HOUSE.” (during the pandemic.)  So back to all the things… I was excited.  I needed a break from it all.  I envisioned playing with my kids, cooking homemade meals, teaching my boys the alphabet, potty training… the list goes on.  It was pretty extensive.

Anyways, here are the things I have actually done:

1. “Tried” to clean.. and keep my house clean.  But with two toddlers thats a joke.
2. Painted the boys room. This one has actually been a success.
3. Kept my kids alive.
4. Did about a weeks worth of 4K homework with Ems.
5. Fought with Sam about doing her e-Learning.
6. Fed my kids countless snacks.  Because now they are out of school they NEVER STOP EATING.  Actually, that goes for me too.
7. Laundry, laundry, MORE laundry.
8. Nap.  I LOVE NAPS.

That’s about it.  Which brings me to my next thought.  This time of weird stuff hasn’t been easy.  Being home not being able to go out isn’t my thing.  I feel like I am stuck in some weird version of groundhogs day: mom edition.

However, this is not my time to:

-Be super hard on myself for the things I think I should be doing but am not.  (Like that perfect house, or teaching my kids the alphabet and so on)

-Have a clean house.  One day I will, but now is not the time.  It will be messy for the foreseeable future.

-Stress about if my kids watch too much tv if I need a break.

-Feel guilty for not cooking homemade meals each night.

-Feel like I am not good enough during this weird time.

 

This is my time to:

-Do what I can.  I can’t do it all, but I can prioritize things.

-Rest, nap and relax.  Things will go back to normal eventually, but now is the best to recharge.

-Spend time making memories with my kids.  Even if that means countless messes.  Just embrace the mess.

-Do little projects that I never had time to.

-Be grateful and pray.

 

Even though this feels like a forever thing, I know it’s not.  I know I am not alone in feeling in a funk through all of this.  Thank you to all the moms posting about their messy house too.  We just have to embrace the chaos.

Why is mental health important?

Yesterday I cried in the parking lot of the post office on the way home from school.  I cried on the drive home.  I held back tears as I conferenced with my students during their reading time.  Some I could hold back, some were really hard to.

Yesterday I realized just how much I was struggling to do all the things.  My kids deserve a mom who can give 100%.  My students deserve a teacher who can give 100%.  I feel like I always need to give 100%… except when I can’t.  And lately, that has been me.

Yesterday after I put my kids to bed, and climbed into bed myself, I got to scrolling on social media.  I kept seeing two things, and suddenly it was like God was trying to get through to me.

1.  There is no balance in life.  Being a mom is tough.  Being a mom who is a working mom is tough.
2. I need to pray.  (This one I do, but I need to do more of)

Wednesday I realized the need to just stop, recharge and refocus.  I decided I wasn’t going to school Friday, so I put in for a sub.  I was going to spend the day with my boys.  I was so tired this week and by the end of yesterday I felt like I literally couldn’t go on.  In all honesty, I still feel that way by the end of today.

So I decided today to document my Friday:

It’s 5:15 a.m and my alarm just went off.  It’s time to wake my girls up and start getting them ready for school.  In the middle of this, Lincoln makes his way out of his bed and Nolan soon follows him to the sofa.  I put my girls on the bus.

It’s 8:00 a.m. and I took my boys to WalMart.  I bought waffles and strawberries.  Also the boys got matching feetie jammies.  Did you know that this is the best time to go?  There were so few people there!

This was breakfast.  And yes, I ATE ALL OF IT.  It was delicious. 

10:00… THERE IS NO NAP FOR THESE BOYS IN SIGHT.  I tried to lay them down.  I laid down with them.  My plan failed.

12:00 ish… Snack time… in their matching jammies.  Still no nap in sight.

2:00 ish.. MY HOUSE IS CLEAN (ish).  I can see the floor!!  I cleaned because my brother is coming over.  And during the week there is no time to clean.  

4:00 my house is a disaster again.  At least I have proof that it was once clean.  Oh well, I tried.

Nolan decided to stick his head into a box… I guess playing with toys is so yesterday.

 

Before I realized it… Lincoln is sleeping!!  There is no waking him up.

Nolan is not far behind him.

4:30ish… I did the impossible.  I found a food that my boys like: chili!  I cooked chili for dinner tonight.  

ANNNND the day wouldn’t be complete without a little tween attitude.

I know today didn’t solve all of my problems.  But it did allow me to laugh with my kids, rest when I needed to and relax.

My mental health is just as important as my physical health.  Plus, my boys are only young once and I need to spend this time with them while I can.

When do you pray?

So last Tuesday I decided to wear a headband.  Somewhere in the park lot of school I took it off and put it around my neck, I guess to fix it better and forgot about it being on my neck.

I went into school with it around my neck.

I needed to be at the high school that day in the morning, so after I got some things in my classroom I needed, I drove there.  My headband was still on my neck.  I saw in the parking lot and searched for it.  I tore my car apart looking for it.  However, in true Brittany fashion, I was running late so the search had to end.

Finally, after 20 minutes… 20 MINUTES I figured out it was around my neck.  I don’t even know why I feel like I need to tell this story other than I think it’s how it’s been lately.

This is me tonight.  After work I threw my hair up in a messy bun.  I mean it’s MESSY.

What did Ems say?

“Mommy, I love your hair.”

OMG that melted my heart.  I think so many times I feel like I need to be a perfect mom, have perfect experiences, perfect meals prepared and have a perfect house (that’s also clean) for my kids.  I know deep down that I don’t need any of that for my kids to thrive.  I think as long as I am present and actively involved that is all that is important.  Ems was 100% sincere when she told me she loved my hair.  AND my grays are even like an inch long (if we are just being honest).  Kids see things so differently.  I wonder what I would think if I just saw my life through a kid’s eyes.  Would I notice the mess of my playroom?

Would I notice the mess of my living room and the mound of clothes I didn’t fold?  I mean, would it actually matter?

Just a side note… would you believe that I actually clean my house every week?  Honest.

Anyways, I’ve had a lot going on lately.  I was told to have my child (the one with ADHD) to be screened for Aspergers.  I think we are leaning away from Tourette’s and more to Autism.

I know a person that needs to get clean.  So I’ve been praying hard for that.

Work has been really busy.  I love my class this year, I really do have some sweet students.  But the pressure of teaching and growing students can be a lot at times.

My husband has been gone 4 days a week for work so I have been with the kids at night.

It’s all A LOT.  So today when I came home from work, my kids went CRAZY.  Hyper, wrestling, not wanting to eat, taking their diapers off and running naked… you get the point.  I felt the need to stop in the middle of the insanity and pray.  So much of my day is go, go, go that I forget to stop and ask for help.  There is no greater help that I can get then asking Jesus for it.  So today when I prayed, I heard a still small voice telling me to keep going.  I was doing fine.  That it was all going to be ok.

So today, if you are like me, and insanely busy, I encourage you to stop and pray.  I am going to make that a goal this week… to just stop and pray more.

What are your goals?

It’s back to school week for teachers this week, and while I am SO happy to go back, it’s also been really exhausting.  Trying to balance a work/home life is challenging.  My husband is gone for work, so naturally that leaves me with the kids.  I remember feeling like yesterday I was trying to work two jobs: being a teacher and being a mom.  And it is two full time jobs.

This was my three littles this week destroying my living room.  I’ll be honest in saying that I just let it happen because at least they were happy and not attacking each other.  They did eventually try and clean it up.  My house is a complete disaster, but it’s ok because I am not expecting Martha Stewart over.  So if your living room looks like this, you arn’t alone. 

Ems also decided that it was a good idea to put “makeup” (chapstick) all over her face.  Lincoln also “tattooed” himself with a green marker.  I’m still trying to get that stuff off of him.

So needless to say, its been an eventful week.  So I am back to trying to figure out what it’s going to take this school year to balance it all.  I’ve got two kids in school this year (Ems is in 4K and Sam is in 4th grade), so that means two teachers and classes to keep up with.  I am a total helicopter parent… but in a pretty good way.  I always like to be involved in my kid’s lives and what they do in their own school.  And just for the record, my kids and I do NOT go to the same school.  I like it that way too.  It gives them a break from me and me a break from them.

So with that all said, like usual I am going to set a couple goals for myself for the upcoming year, and if you are a teacher I encourage you to do the same.  Goals are important.  We should all try and strive for improvement… even if it’s just one little thing.

1. Focus on building better relationships with my students, rather than just trying to teach, teach, teach, teach.
2. Have great relationships with my classroom parents. Call them more for positive things.  I’m already on my way there, I spent an hour yesterday calling all 24 of them to introduce myself and answer any questions they had.
3. Ask for help, especially from my classroom parents who want to volunteer.
4. Allow for self care.  This is one I REALLY struggle with. I spend so much of my time focusing on others, that I forget about me.  But tonight I took some time for myself and it was GLORIOUS.  Shout out to my husband for taking all of the kids out of the house so I could get a break.

And lastly, my favorite thing to remember: worry about nothing, pray about everything.

Is ADHD even a real thing?

Why is my kitchen floor sticky?  Why did my toddlers think it was OK to dump a half of a container of Kool-Aid on my floor?  Then try and clean it up?

Sometimes I really am scared to see what my kids have gotten into.  I really am.

It’s a good thing that before this happened I cleaned my kitchen and my kids took a bath.  Kool-Aid is a nasty thing to cleanup.  My floors will be forever sticky.  They tracked it everywhere.  I’m still working on cleaning it up.

So I’ve taken my child to the therapist last week, doctor Monday and pediatrician yesterday.  Needless to say, I feel like we’ve been to a million appointments this summer.

I started to discuss my child’s meltdowns to the mental health doctor.  He said, “There isn’t anything we can do about it.  She has ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder).  We don’t want to over medicate her.”

I discussed her meltdowns with her pediatrician.  “Let’s try a stimulant.  I am surprised the other doctor didn’t put her on a stimulant to go with her Intuniv.  Do you want to try it?  I don’t want to pressure you into it, but the thing is she needs it.”

My head is spinning.  What to do?  My child has been on Intuniv for the last 6 months at least.  I was not one to try medication at first, but it really has been beneficial.  Now I am thinking about adding a second medicine.  However, like the first doctor said, I don’t want to over medicate her.

Or… are these meltdowns just all manipulation and she doesn’t need anything at all, because she really only has her bad ones when I am around.  Is it me (I think that’s a whole other blog post)?

I’ll be honest.  A couple years ago, I didn’t believe in ADHD as being a real thing.  Even my first couple years teaching I didn’t believe it in.  I honestly thought it was just a label to call a really hyper kid.  I thought all kids were hyper.  Boy, was I wrong.  I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I had a child with it, and a student with it.  It’s so much more than just hyper activity.  It’s twitching, tics, meltdowns, lack of focus… so many things. First I thought it was Autism.  My child missed having that by a slight margin.  But ADHD and ODD?  I didn’t ever expect that.  It’s so much more than just my child is bad and doesn’t listen.

The thing I am learning about ADHD is there is no one medicine to fix it all.  Each kid is different, and there are so many treatments for it.  There are medicines and therapy.  It really is hard to know exactly what to do.  And as a parent, all I want to do is anything to help my child.  I want to exhaust all possibilities until I can 100% help my child.

I’m not one to publicly share my struggles usually.  However, I do find comfort in reading other moms struggles so I want to do that for a mom in need of comfort.  That’s why I need to share this struggle of my child and me.

Am I going to try that second medicine?  I don’t know.  There are a lot of reasons to, and there are a lot of reasons not to.  I do know that I won’t jump to giving my kid anything without talking to them and thinking it through.  I want to make sure they are 100% ok with a second medicine.

Am I going to take her to a neurologist to see if it’s something more than ADHD?  Probably in the near future.  Again, who knows.

Should I take her out of therapy and stop medication and see how that goes?  Maybe.

See, like I said there are so many things I could do.

The one thing that I should do?

Pray.

See, I know that with every crazy thing I have going on in my life (and you guys know I have TONS) I don’t have to worry.   This one was a tough one for me to learn, and still is because I struggle with anxiety.  I have the need to control EVERYTHING.  I am trying to learn to let go and let God.

ADHD is out of my control.  My kid’s behavior is out of my control.  My schedules and appointments are out of my control.  All of that’s OK.  God’s got all of this.  And I know if I can constantly remind myself of that, it’s all going to be ok.  For me and my child.  I was selfish to think that I am fighting the hardest battle with raising my kids, struggling with finances, dealing with difficult family relationships and so on that I forgot to step back and realize that I am not alone in the crosses that I am called to carry.  We all have them.  Mine is not harder than anyone else and we all have somethings we struggle with.

Let go and let God.

 

Do you also have random doll legs in your car?

So we took my child with ADHD/tics to the Developmental Pediatrician today.

I knew we weren’t going to walk out with an “official diagnosis” or a solid plan on how to help them.

Sometimes I think if they had an official diagnosis it would help me ease my mind. I would finally have answers.

Sometimes I think I need to just leave my kid alone and let them go and be a kid without doctors, medicine, appointments and therapists.

I did walkout with wondering what was the best plan for my kid. I love them and all I want is the best for them. Sometimes it can be hard to think about the best possible things for them when there are so many options. I guess that’s when I need to pray the most.

I don’t know which route is better. I know it’s not about me and what I think, and when they try and open the car door when I’m driving down the road due to a meltdown, it becomes more than just a minor problem.So, along with that child, Ems needs her adenoids out next month.

Everywhere I turn, there is something going on around me. It’s like I can’t catch a break. I know you parents know the feeling. Life’s insane right now… and I’m supposed to be on “summer break”. I keep telling myself I really need a break..I really need a break.. Maybe one day.

While you guys are vacationing… here are some shots from my “summer vacation”…A random doll leg found in my “just cleaned two week ago car that’s a mess again…”Ems got into my just bought redness concealer. Needless to say, her face was all green.Did a bomb go off in my playroom?

No, this is just the hard work of my kids.

We can always add a little humor and fun in life when it gets hard. If your playroom looks like mine, you are not alone. And no, I have no intentions of cleaning it anytime soon.

What is a Tic disorder?

Why do they put candy in the checkout line?

“Are they triplets?” A man asked me at Walmart today.

Maybe it’s just me, but there is no way these three look alike.  Nevertheless, I get that all of the time!   It’s mostly about Lincoln and Nolan.  People think they are twins.  I don’t see it.

So Sundays are the days I venture out with my babies (usually only the three of them) to food shop.  If you see the picture of Nolan’s face, that pretty much sums up the mood of the trip.  Insanity.  Lincoln literally took a Three Musketeers bar from the checkout line and put it in his mouth with the wrapper on.  WHY do they put candy, soda and toys in the checkout line?  WHY WHY WHY WHY?  Is it to torture parents?  It’s the first thing my kids go after.

I got frustrated somewhere in the Mexican/Asian food aisle.  Lincoln had lost a shoe, hit his sister, broke a toy car and Nolan had sat on the box of oatmeal, smashing it with his butt.   I don’t know why I voluntarily take them in public by myself.  A woman who was stocking the shelves mentioned that they were sweet and cute.  She has no idea how much destruction they are capable of.

Although it’s chaotic, I do have some rules I live by when I grocery shop with the babies.

1. I park next to a cart in the parking lot so I can easily put the babies into one and don’t have to search for one.
2. I always make a list at home prior to shopping.  I write down the things I need for 5 nights worth of dinners.  I usually don’t buy things that are not on the list.  I try by best to stick to the stuff I need only.
3. I try and make it quick.  I know what I am there for and don’t usually wander the aisles (like I might if I was kid less).
4. My kids like to help, so I give them the job of unpacking the cart in the checkout.  This also minimizes kids reaching for candy.
5. Sundays are my days to shop for the week.  You won’t find me at the store on a weeknight unless we absolutely need something.

If the Walmart near my house did the grocery pickup, I would do that.  Since it doesn’t, I am forced to brave shopping with my kids.  Ems is always the one that loves to go with me.

Somehow, we always survive the trip to the store.  It always amazes me when I have gotten the food home and in the fridge and kids home.  Nothing was broken, no kids went missing and I got everything on the list.  AND sometimes my kids are even complimented on how good they are.

Until next Sunday…. who knows what might happen.

Is life really better with a beard?

Beards.  Some people love them and some people hate them.

My husband loves them, I don’t like them.  I’m more of a scruff person.  I have been nagging him to shave his beard.  Some people told him that his beard was epic, so I think it got to his head and he refused to shave.  His mom and I didn’t like it but he kept it anyways.  I actually had thoughts of cutting it in his sleep so it would go away.  The only reason I didn’t do that is because I was afraid he may retaliate and snip some of my hair, and I am trying to grow it back out.  Tonight he finally shaved it off for me.  When Nolan saw his dad without a beard, he had a crying fit.  He had no idea who his dad was.  It was hilarious.

The next thing he needs to cut is his hair.  I told him I wanted him to get it faded.  I told him I would do it…. because I saw a tutorial on you tube on how to fade hair, so I feel confident I could attempt.  Actually, I did attempt once on Lincoln.  It was a failure.  Someone with no experience can not fade a wild toddlers hair.  I ended up buzzing it all off after I ruined his fade.  Poor kid.  At least he is too young to know what I tried to do to his hair.  Maybe I should leave hair to the professionals.  At least one thing in life is guaranteed:  a bad hair cut will always grow out.

Tonight my husband was drinking a Dr. Pepper.  He said his drink tasted funny.  He said, “My beard made everything better. Maybe my Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste right because I don’t have my beard.”  Really?  He was totally serious too.  Can we add that to the great mysteries of life?  I mean, does something you are used to really make your life better?  I know a beard can’t.  What is it with guys and beards?  Wait. the answer has got to be in a manual for husbands. Does anyone know if this handbook actually exists?  Let me know.

What’s the greatest mystery of life?

Why is my bed wet?  Seriously.

It’s 8 o’clock and I am SO SO SO ready for bed.  I lay down and my foot hits something wet.  Then I remember Emerson spilled her Dr. Pepper.  In my bed.  I have few rules in my house.  My main one is that you eat and drink at the kitchen table.  Do my kids follow this rule?  Bahahaha no.  That’s why there is Dr. Pepper in my bed.  I guess it’s better than an alternative (I think you can guess what something like that would be).  In all honesty there is nothing better than having just washed sheets and then having my kids bring in their drinks/food to my fresh sheets and destroying them.  If your a mom, you know this has happened to you.  Unless you are a sanctimom… then it’s also happened to you.
Lincoln and Nolan conspired together tonight to spill half a bag of chips on the dining room floor.  They decided to eat chips after I fed them dinner, because you know they were starving when they didn’t eat.  Nolan threw his food one by one off his highchair.  I don’t get it.  I LOVE FOOD.  I would eat almost anything that someone cooked and put in front of me.  My kids don’t.  It’s a mystery.

What are some of the greatest mysteries?  It’s not how the pyramids came to be or if there is a lost city of Atlantis.  It’s kids.  Think about it:

Why don’t STARVING kids eat their food at dinnertime?  Yet they will eat it off the floor…

Why don’t kids that are so exhausted want to sleep and fight it?

Why do kids fight over a single toy when there are so many others to play with?

Why don’t kids listen AT ALL (you know us parents know it all)?

How do toddlers learn to do that cute manipulative smile?  You know the one I am talking about…

How do my kids know how to work MY phone BETTER than ME?

Why does Ems have two friends I can’t see named Akea and Aleeah?  And where did she come up with those names?!  I’ve even googled their names.  Nothing comes up.  Huh.

Why do kids eat things that are not food?

These questions are just the tip of the iceberg.  See, there are so many unanswered questions.  This is why I need a manual for kids!  Maybe I need to write my own since no one can seem to find theirs.  It can’t be that hard, right?